You look lonely. I can't fix that.

On how pornography leads to even more social isolation, rising rates of depression and what to do against it.

Men today are lonelier and more severely depressed than ever before. Yet, we should be happy. The world's GDP per capita never was higher, growing year by year. The living standard around the globe has sharply risen in the past decade, especially in former third-world countries. Due to online dating, finding a partner was never easier. The number of armed military conflicts, and men dying in these, reached an historical low. Connecting with friends and strangers is no problem anymore, thanks to social media. Life-expectancy is rising worldwide. Now, why then is there a “loneliness crisis”? And which role does internet porn play in this negative evolution?

The statistical evidence is clear. The number of friends males said to have shrunk by more than 50% in the last three decades. Around 40% of men report feeling lonely. The suicide rate for men is over four times higher than it is for women and accounts for a shocking 80% of all suicides in the United States (2023, American Institute for Boys and Men). I could go on from here, but the point I am making is obvious by now. Boys and Men are more depressed and lonely than they were ever before.

However, I am by far not the first one to point this trend out, and there are multiple reasons for it. Covering all of them in one article would be foul and without any actual value. Therefore, I am going to focus on the negative influence that pornography has on these numbers.

Even though good research is scarce, there is enough evidence to recognize an evident pattern. One recent paper indicates that individuals who view pornography are more likely to experience loneliness (Vescan M., Flack M., Caudwell K., 2024). This is backed-up by a 2019 study, which found that excessive pornography use increased the risk of depression in both men and women (Maddock et. al. 2019). The real problem here is that being lonely leads to watching porn, and watching porn leads to being lonely. It should be obvious that porn cannot fix feeling lonely at all. The opposite actually is the truth.

This constant negative reinforcement, as found in another study, is hard to break through. Usually, a supportive family and friends, also resulting in more accountability, are strong success factors in overcoming an addiction. And even though watching porn is normalized, porn addiction is not talked about at all. All of this makes quitting porn much harder.

How to stop this in its tracks, then? First and foremost, yes, I was severely addicted, and yes, I quit my pornography addiction. This, however, does not mean that I am also an expert coming to loneliness or re-socialization. Yet, one thing I found to be true is that cutting out negative aspects is more important than thinking about which positive to add.

Imagine you are a heavy junk food eater who wants to get fit. For sure, you could go for a run every day, but this will not change anything if you do not quit eating fast food first. I would choose the same incentive coming to breaking free from the vicious loneliness cycle in two steps.

#1 Detox

Go and read my latest article if you have not done so. Challenge yourself to this 16-day Detox. For customization, I recommend adding “No Dating Apps“ while watching the news is a minor problem. If you spend hours on Discord, add “No Discord“ to the challenge.

#2 F*ck your Comfort Zone

This step is hard, but if you do not challenge it regularly, your comfort zone will shrink. Chances are it is already quite tiny. Is talking to a girl on the street hard for you? Is just leaving your house for 1 hour hard? Find something that really challenges you and INVOLVES REAL INTERACTIONS! The new level in your favorite video-game may be a challenge, but it clearly lays within your comfort zone.

Implement both steps for two weeks. If you already started your Detox Program last Saturday, use this article to customize it. Leaving your comfort zone is hard, but highly rewarded. Chase real Dopamine. And, as always, share this article with a friend you want to help out – or in this case, challenge. It is more fun this way anyway. See you next week!